What has changed for us

It has been a wild ride for us the last few months. After not finding work in New Albany we have moved on up to Kokomo hoping that we would have a fresh start and hopefully a new job. Well, that hasn't happened. Still no jobs and no potential at any either. So we will be on the move again as soon as I find a town that the recession has not hit so hard. Shianne has put her requests in. Somewhere that has a beach. She has never been on a beach, and never seen the ocean so I can understand her desire. She is a water girl, she could sit and look at the river for hours when we were in New Albany. She sat on the rock and listened saying it was the most beautiful song she had ever heard. I vow one day to make sure my girl sees the ocean. I firmly believe she will see the utter beauty of it. She has no desire to actually get in the water she said as she has seen too much shark week. ;)
Even with all the anxiousness of not having a job, Shianne being bullied beyond belief, and the transition here I still have a faith in our future. I know that we will be okay, I know that God has His hand on us and things will get better. We are starting a new journey to get physically fit, to get healthy and have an entire new start in life. I look forward to seeing if Shianne's choices on mens clothes to wear has anyhing to do with her self image or if they are just comfortable as she says. I look forward to seeing how she will grow and change as she starts to feel better about herself. She has so many dreams. She still says she is going to be a vet for the ASPCA when she grows up. I know she will. That has been her dream since she was 4years old. She is 9 now. Man that is hard to say, my girl is 9. Sighh where have the years gone. Anywhoo, that about sums up what has happened in the past few months. We are in Kokomo for now, I am taking an online computer class, Shianne is being homeschooled for the third grade, and we have a new vow to get healthy.
Keep checking back for the new happenings in this adventure we call life.
Until next time.
Karen Denise and Shianne

Meet our three new additions. Gracie the cat, Lucky the dog, and Spikey the hedgehog.

Bullying

Why do some people get such pleasure out of hurting other people? When I look at my child I see this beautiful, talented, giving young girl. When her peers see her apparantly they see a fat, boyish, shy girl that is an easy target to pick on. For the last two years she has been teased and they took my sensitive child to the edge of wanting to be die at 9 years old. The day she told me she could understand why people would kill themselves my heart sank. She is afraid to go out and play unless one person is with her that will shield her from teasing. She won't try anything new because she is afraid of being teased. For weeks she would eat a meal and then work out to the point of about dropping. One night she worked out so hard she couldn't move she was in such pain. For days she was so sore she couldn't get off the couch. She kept saying I can't gain another pound momma, I just can't. I kept asking why? About to the point of my tears myself as I was holding my crying, devestated child begging her to tell me what was wrong she buried her head in my shoulder as she said if I gain another pound I will be too fat to live. Everyone says so. She didn't set foot in school again. I pulled her and she is now homeschooled. After that day we have devised a plan to do this together. I still have to watch her as she hasn't quite associated her habits with the weight gain. While we were homeless we wondered where our next meal was coming from so she still has the habit of eating everything I bring in to the point of a stomach ache at times because of a subconcious fear of not getting food again. It has been years since we have lived on the streets but for a child that fear is real. I honor it, and I watch her.
It isn't only about her weight that she is teased, it is also about the clothes she wears, the place we live and at times because I don't have a job. That hurts me as a parent to know that I am not providing better for my child. I have done all I can but for the last several years I haven't been able to find work and so we continue to move while I look. We have moved so many times it has to be hard for her. She loves the adventure of moving she says. I wonder though if this is going to have a lasting effect on her.
I hate that my girl is so afraid to do new things. It hurts me to know that she hates herself so much. Every time I compliment her she says but you have to say that, you are my mother. I tell her that many kids are overweight now days, it doesn't make it right but she isn't that unusual. She looks at me and says yeah momma but how many 9 year olds are 185 pounds? I don't know what else to do. I try to make her feel better but I think at times I make it worse. I listen, I encourage and it doesn't do much. I tell her to hold onto hope for the future. That as long as we have hope we have everything. These bullies, these evil thoughtless people have taken my daughters spirit. I will vow to do everything I can to get it back.

Things have changed so much

Meet Tobie. He is the latest addition to the Hamilton household. We have had him for a few months but I am just now letting all know about him. He is 8 months old and a wild pup but we love him.
I am now going to be starting my classes online. I think that will work best for me at this time. I am so sad about giving up my current classes as I am doing so well but I know I will do well online also. Just a thing I must do.
Shi is doing well. She is having fun this evening working on her bead kit. She is making tons of magnets. Such a funny kid. We are homeschooling for the time being and working on getting into the groove of that.
I know this is a short post tonight but all I can do for the moment. I promise I will update more often.

Life now as we know it

Wow, have we been busy. I started back to college on the 11th have been going full steam ahead. This term unlike last term I have a lot of homework. I love my math teacher as she is very good at explaining things. My literature teacher is hillarious and my speech teacher is very, very mellow. I am still figuring out my government teacher. She is a bit on the odd side. She is a good teacher but she is just well.... odd.
I made the hard decision and put Shi back in school. I wasn't sure what to do but I knew that while I got adjusted to being back in school she needed to be there learning. With my schedule I barely have time to spend with her let alone teach her. She is doing pretty well there and even won the Young Authors Award. I just wish I knew sometimes if I make the right decisions when it comes to her. Everything I do is for her and it is just hard to make sure I keep everything in a balance. I feel like I neglect her at times. I do make time, I have to for her but it is difficult. She asked me the other day if I remembered her. That was a hard thing to hear. I have spent so much time to making sure that I learned the material for school that I wasn't spending the time I needed to with her. So I took a break and played the wii with her. Now the pup, Tobie, on the other hand just gets in my face with a toy when he feels he is being neglected. He won't take no for an answer either. He makes sure he gets his play time.
I have taken Shi to class with me a few times. It is a really good experience for her and she LOVES it. Especially my lit class. She sits there and takes in everything the professor says. It is so funny to watch her listen to him and the other students, it is like she is a little college student. The other kids talk to her and laugh because she looks up at me for approval on talking to them. They love her.
So life as we know it is school for both of us and trying to make time for each other. Then chores. It is a never ending cycle but it is what is best for both of us right now.

Tis the Season

Merry Christmas everyone. Shianne and I are so excited about the upcoming holidays. We have our tree up that was given to us by a wonderful family and even have a few decorations up in our windows. We have been touched by so much kindness this holiday season that it is almost unimaginable. We know that God is all around us and in the people that we have come in contact with. I hope one day to be able to pay forward all that have been done for us. The only thing I can tell them is thank-you but it just doesn't seem like enough. I know the only way I can ever repay them is to pay it forward. When the time comes that I can pay it forward it is for certain that I will. I wish that everyone can see how far Shianne and I have come in this past year. How much we have grown. One day all we see, one day all will know, how much everyone means to us. We love you all.

The Beginning of a new era for us

Monday is the beginning of a new era in mine and Shianne's life. I start college at IUS (Indiana University Southeast) to get my degree in elementary education. I have to do this right. That is so much pressure. Right at this moment I am so overwhelmed. The thoughts keep racing through my head........... what if I fail.... what if I go and make a complete fool of myself...... what if I ignore Shi so much that she resents me for going back to school? She is already having a little bit of trouble with this for that very reason. She asked would I still have time for her. I really need to do this for us but I feel so alone right now. I took her to orientation today. We started this together and I felt that this is the end of the preperation process, she needed to be there for that. I got permission from her principal at school and Shi is writing a paper on going to college for them. I saw all of those people with their parents, with their spouses or even just friends. They talked about their support system and here I am with my daughter and I really felt alone. I think Shi sensed how I was feeling because she just looked at me. She shouldn't be supporting me, I am her mom, I am supposed to support her. I have my online friends and they really do lift me up, tell me I can do it. But when it comes to real friends here, I really don't have any. I have acquantances but no one that would come over for a study session, none that say hey you need a break lets go for soda. None that I can just rant, vent, and cry over when I mess up, or just get overwhelmed. I just wonder, am I in over my head? I know this is something I really want to do, but can I really do it? Can I accomplish this dream and still do for Shi like I should? I guess starting monday I will find out..............