The adventures of Karen Denise and Shianne

What has changed for us

2010-11-08T19:24:00.000-08:00

It has been a wild ride for us the last few months. After not finding work in New Albany we have moved on up to Kokomo hoping that we would have a fresh start and hopefully a new job. Well, that hasn't happened. Still no jobs and no potential at any either. So we will be on the move again as soon as I find a town that the recession has not hit so hard. Shianne has put her requests in. Somewhere that has a beach. She has never been on a beach, and never seen the ocean so I can understand her desire. She is a water girl, she could sit and look at the river for hours when we were in New Albany. She sat on the rock and listened saying it was the most beautiful song she had ever heard. I vow one day to make sure my girl sees the ocean. I firmly believe she will see the utter beauty of it. She has no desire to actually get in the water she said as she has seen too much shark week. ;)
Even with all the anxiousness of not having a job, Shianne being bullied beyond belief, and the transition here I still have a faith in our future. I know that we will be okay, I know that God has His hand on us and things will get better. We are starting a new journey to get physically fit, to get healthy and have an entire new start in life. I look forward to seeing if Shianne's choices on mens clothes to wear has anyhing to do with her self image or if they are just comfortable as she says. I look forward to seeing how she will grow and change as she starts to feel better about herself. She has so many dreams. She still says she is going to be a vet for the ASPCA when she grows up. I know she will. That has been her dream since she was 4years old. She is 9 now. Man that is hard to say, my girl is 9. Sighh where have the years gone. Anywhoo, that about sums up what has happened in the past few months. We are in Kokomo for now, I am taking an online computer class, Shianne is being homeschooled for the third grade, and we have a new vow to get healthy.
Keep checking back for the new happenings in this adventure we call life.
Until next time.
Karen Denise and Shianne

2010-11-08T19:19:00.000-08:00

Meet our three new additions. Gracie the cat, Lucky the dog, and Spikey the hedgehog.

Bullying

2010-11-08T18:56:00.000-08:00

Why do some people get such pleasure out of hurting other people? When I look at my child I see this beautiful, talented, giving young girl. When her peers see her apparantly they see a fat, boyish, shy girl that is an easy target to pick on. For the last two years she has been teased and they took my sensitive child to the edge of wanting to be die at 9 years old. The day she told me she could understand why people would kill themselves my heart sank. She is afraid to go out and play unless one person is with her that will shield her from teasing. She won't try anything new because she is afraid of being teased. For weeks she would eat a meal and then work out to the point of about dropping. One night she worked out so hard she couldn't move she was in such pain. For days she was so sore she couldn't get off the couch. She kept saying I can't gain another pound momma, I just can't. I kept asking why? About to the point of my tears myself as I was holding my crying, devestated child begging her to tell me what was wrong she buried her head in my shoulder as she said if I gain another pound I will be too fat to live. Everyone says so. She didn't set foot in school again. I pulled her and she is now homeschooled. After that day we have devised a plan to do this together. I still have to watch her as she hasn't quite associated her habits with the weight gain. While we were homeless we wondered where our next meal was coming from so she still has the habit of eating everything I bring in to the point of a stomach ache at times because of a subconcious fear of not getting food again. It has been years since we have lived on the streets but for a child that fear is real. I honor it, and I watch her.
It isn't only about her weight that she is teased, it is also about the clothes she wears, the place we live and at times because I don't have a job. That hurts me as a parent to know that I am not providing better for my child. I have done all I can but for the last several years I haven't been able to find work and so we continue to move while I look. We have moved so many times it has to be hard for her. She loves the adventure of moving she says. I wonder though if this is going to have a lasting effect on her.
I hate that my girl is so afraid to do new things. It hurts me to know that she hates herself so much. Every time I compliment her she says but you have to say that, you are my mother. I tell her that many kids are overweight now days, it doesn't make it right but she isn't that unusual. She looks at me and says yeah momma but how many 9 year olds are 185 pounds? I don't know what else to do. I try to make her feel better but I think at times I make it worse. I listen, I encourage and it doesn't do much. I tell her to hold onto hope for the future. That as long as we have hope we have everything. These bullies, these evil thoughtless people have taken my daughters spirit. I will vow to do everything I can to get it back.

Things have changed so much

2010-03-08T20:24:00.000-08:00

Meet Tobie. He is the latest addition to the Hamilton household. We have had him for a few months but I am just now letting all know about him. He is 8 months old and a wild pup but we love him.
I am now going to be starting my classes online. I think that will work best for me at this time. I am so sad about giving up my current classes as I am doing so well but I know I will do well online also. Just a thing I must do.
Shi is doing well. She is having fun this evening working on her bead kit. She is making tons of magnets. Such a funny kid. We are homeschooling for the time being and working on getting into the groove of that.
I know this is a short post tonight but all I can do for the moment. I promise I will update more often.

Life now as we know it

2010-01-21T18:39:00.000-08:00

Wow, have we been busy. I started back to college on the 11th have been going full steam ahead. This term unlike last term I have a lot of homework. I love my math teacher as she is very good at explaining things. My literature teacher is hillarious and my speech teacher is very, very mellow. I am still figuring out my government teacher. She is a bit on the odd side. She is a good teacher but she is just well.... odd.
I made the hard decision and put Shi back in school. I wasn't sure what to do but I knew that while I got adjusted to being back in school she needed to be there learning. With my schedule I barely have time to spend with her let alone teach her. She is doing pretty well there and even won the Young Authors Award. I just wish I knew sometimes if I make the right decisions when it comes to her. Everything I do is for her and it is just hard to make sure I keep everything in a balance. I feel like I neglect her at times. I do make time, I have to for her but it is difficult. She asked me the other day if I remembered her. That was a hard thing to hear. I have spent so much time to making sure that I learned the material for school that I wasn't spending the time I needed to with her. So I took a break and played the wii with her. Now the pup, Tobie, on the other hand just gets in my face with a toy when he feels he is being neglected. He won't take no for an answer either. He makes sure he gets his play time.
I have taken Shi to class with me a few times. It is a really good experience for her and she LOVES it. Especially my lit class. She sits there and takes in everything the professor says. It is so funny to watch her listen to him and the other students, it is like she is a little college student. The other kids talk to her and laugh because she looks up at me for approval on talking to them. They love her.
So life as we know it is school for both of us and trying to make time for each other. Then chores. It is a never ending cycle but it is what is best for both of us right now.

Tis the Season

2009-12-13T18:50:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone. Shianne and I are so excited about the upcoming holidays. We have our tree up that was given to us by a wonderful family and even have a few decorations up in our windows. We have been touched by so much kindness this holiday season that it is almost unimaginable. We know that God is all around us and in the people that we have come in contact with. I hope one day to be able to pay forward all that have been done for us. The only thing I can tell them is thank-you but it just doesn't seem like enough. I know the only way I can ever repay them is to pay it forward. When the time comes that I can pay it forward it is for certain that I will. I wish that everyone can see how far Shianne and I have come in this past year. How much we have grown. One day all we see, one day all will know, how much everyone means to us. We love you all.

The Beginning of a new era for us

2009-08-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

Monday is the beginning of a new era in mine and Shianne's life. I start college at IUS (Indiana University Southeast) to get my degree in elementary education. I have to do this right. That is so much pressure. Right at this moment I am so overwhelmed. The thoughts keep racing through my head........... what if I fail.... what if I go and make a complete fool of myself...... what if I ignore Shi so much that she resents me for going back to school? She is already having a little bit of trouble with this for that very reason. She asked would I still have time for her. I really need to do this for us but I feel so alone right now. I took her to orientation today. We started this together and I felt that this is the end of the preperation process, she needed to be there for that. I got permission from her principal at school and Shi is writing a paper on going to college for them. I saw all of those people with their parents, with their spouses or even just friends. They talked about their support system and here I am with my daughter and I really felt alone. I think Shi sensed how I was feeling because she just looked at me. She shouldn't be supporting me, I am her mom, I am supposed to support her. I have my online friends and they really do lift me up, tell me I can do it. But when it comes to real friends here, I really don't have any. I have acquantances but no one that would come over for a study session, none that say hey you need a break lets go for soda. None that I can just rant, vent, and cry over when I mess up, or just get overwhelmed. I just wonder, am I in over my head? I know this is something I really want to do, but can I really do it? Can I accomplish this dream and still do for Shi like I should? I guess starting monday I will find out..............

What a month

2009-08-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

Wow has it been a long time since I wrote anything. Things have been a bit busy around here. First off I had a car for a whole 8 days. That was short lived as my aunt, Shianne and I were involved in a car accident. A SUV ran a stop sign and we broad sided it. Thank God my aunt and Shianne were not injured. I on the other hand was not as lucky. Nothing serious thankfully, but I did come out with a concussion and whiplash and my back is messed up now. I had just started a job but was not able to continue with that as I was working in a daycare and was missing quite a few days in recovery. I know that things will turn back around soon though. I am on the road to healing so we shall see what God brings us in the future. Shianne and I both are still a bit nervous when we go through intersections or see people coming towards us. We both take a deep breath and let it out once we are past. That will all change in time, we both know that.
In other news the summer break will be over for Shianne on Thursday (the 13th of Aug). She will be starting second grade. Some days she is extremally excited about that, others she is begging me to make them wait till September. I figure if I was allowed to do that come September she will be wanting to make it October. She is such a funny kid. She really is, everytime she talks to Aunt Melinda she has her laughing. No one ever knows what will come out of her mouth next. She is so smart and so funny and the real joy in my life.
In the past month we have been attending a really great church. The music and the message is awesome. Best of all they have welcomed us with open arms. I look forward to getting more and more involved there. Updates on that will come soon.
Best wishes to all who are following our journey through life.

Shianne is turning 8!

2009-07-10T19:57:00.001-07:00

It is so hard to believe that my baby is turning 8 years old tomorrow. These past 8 years have had their ups and downs but all is good. I sit back and watch her and she is no longer a baby, she is my big girl who is developing into her own person. It seems like yesterday that I brought this little bundle into the world. She had the darkest head of hair and these dark brown eyes that always watched me when I moved around. She was always watching everything and slept very little. What energy that baby had. Then she learned to move around, and was into everything. She was always so inquisitive and always asking questions. Things have not always been easy for her and she has had her troubles in her young life but to look at her now makes all that seem like a bad dream. She is now so eager to help others, she is so sensitive to people around her and is always willing to lend a hand. She is just such a sweet child and oh so very smart. She loves to learn, and loves to help. I just can't believe how much she has grown. So happy birthday my sweet baby, mommy loves you!

The Sidewards Sidewalk

2009-06-13T21:02:00.001-07:00

Sidewards Sidewalk

Life has many twists and many turns. Sometimes you are on track and sometimes you are not. At times you will think that you are so off track that you will never get back on. Everything is a big and dark hole with no light at the end. Then there are these times that you are on the sidewards path, the sidewards sidewalk as I like to call it. You will be walking through life, things going straight, when all of a sudden you are on this path that you can barely stay right, you think you might fall but you hang on so tight going to the left to the right just to get through. You think is this ever going to end, and when it does will all be well? You push through and push through and then it is done and you are again on the straight path with everything well. I have learned when that path hits, and trust me it will, you look to up to God and say guide me please, tell me what to do and you have to stop and listen before you go on. Decisions made in desperation will often knock you off balance and put you stuck in this sidewards position and often will knock you way off course. The sidewards sidewalk is a test of your faith, to see what you will do, what you can handle, Satan‘s test to see if he can weasle in to our lives. I never thought of the term sidewards sidewalk until I walked down my street, and found two sections of it. Shianne said momma we are walking on a sidewards sidewalk. This section wanted to knock us over and it was a struggle staying in balance and the more I fought it, the harder it was. When I went slow and calculated each step carefully the easier it was. I knew then that is like life. The more you fight for each thing the harder it is, but the more you turn to God and wait and listen for His guidance the easier things are. With the struggles I have had lately I have let myself get all confused, and so lost. I let my insecurity get in the way. It is so amazing of what can be decided if I would turn to God first when I hit this sidewards path instead of fighting what I already know. God will lead, guide and be right here with me as long as I will let Him. He holds me up and can you too on these sidewards sidewalks of life.

What would Jesus really do?

2009-06-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

I often have to make myself slow down. I am so quick to rush through life without taking time to look at the big picture of things. I am still learning what it means to be a christian and what all that entales. I see some people that have said they are a christian and ask myself is that how one acts? I ask that because if so then I don't think that is what I want to be. The way I see it if a person is going to model themselves after Jesus then they need to act like how Jesus would act. And to me that means doing real good deeds, helping the fellow human and not just on holidays. I mean after all did Jesus only perform miracles and help his fellow mankind on His birthday? No, everyday He strived to do something to help someone. He treated everyone with respect no matter who they were. He didn't care of the color of their skin, their social class, or even what religion they were. To me that is how we should act everyday. I am tired of people treating me different just because I don't have as much money as they do, or because I am bigger in size than they are. I strive to do whatever I can to help someone, and I ask for nothing in return. I feel that is what Jesus would do. No one should say to a person here it is Christmas so let me give you some gifts and then go and say yay I did my good deed for the year. People who need assistance most likely need it all year long. Often enough many people can buy Christmas gifts, food and clothes but may need their lawn mowed, a leaky pipe fixed or their house cleaned. We need to pay attention more to the big picture of things. And don't do it just for a notch in your good deed book, do it because you really care and follow through with it. If they need it once they most likely will need it for a while unless their circumstances change big time. People really need to stop and think about how they live their life and really think about what did Jesus really do, how did He really live His life. I don't feel that Christians are really showing a good example of it. We are rushing through this life and not paying attention to the big picture. People feel that if they go to church once a week or even everytime the doors are open that they are Christians, in my opinion no. It is how they treat people, what they do for the community and what is coming from the heart that makes a person a good person and I believe a Christian. People need to stop and think and pray. Look at the big picture of their life. Really what would Jesus do?

Mini me

2009-06-08T14:59:00.000-07:00

There she is. My whole reason for being. It is so funny to watch Shi grow and learn new things. Most of all she is learning to be a kid. She has never really played and be silly like a child should be but finally she is getting the idea. This one picture is especially funny because she is in my chair. I told her that she could get in my chair while I worked in the kitchen and she just looked at me (she knows I how I am about my recliner) and I said go ahead. So she jumped and ran and jumped in the chair. Every time I came into the living room she would smile and grin at me with that mischievous grin like she was doing something wrong. I laughed and said it is okay that you are there. I turned and looked back and she had the computer in her lap just like I do when I am on it and relaxing. I had to capture this moment for forever time. She is my mini me, she wants to do everything that I do. Wow what a standard to live up to. I know that I have to show her how good life can be and how to live right. I have learned this is quite a responsibility. Shianne is so sensitive, so shy, and so reserved but I seeing that change. I am seeing her blossom into a wonderful young lady. By me changing how I am, not being so insecure, speaking up she is doing the same. What a wonderful thing to witness. I am seeing how my life decisions are positively affecting my daughter. Totally amazing.

Our Journey to New Albany

2009-06-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

How many times have you walked past a homeless person--a family--and said, “That would never happen to me or my family.”? How many times have you seen a commercial for a soup kitchen and said, “I would never eat in one of those places.”? A lot, I’m sure. I said over and over again that I would never let myself get into that situation. I would never put my child in that position. Never. I learned very quickly though, never say never.
My daughter had her issues--seizures that began at age two and then a form of autism was diagnosed at age three. We managed though. I worked from home and did some substitute teaching once she began school so I could give her the attention she needed. Shortly before her sixth birthday, we moved from Mississippi to Kentucky. That’s when the trouble began and in January of 2008 circumstances changed and we were in a position that we had never been in before.
Where do a mother and young daughter go when they have no vehicle and no financial means? Hotels, shelters, people’s couches—I did everything I could to help my daughter understand why her life had been forever changed. We lost everything, our home, our pets, and life as we knew it. My daughter lost everything she had ever known. This would have been a great enough burden for an adult, but it was devastating for such a small child, especially a special needs child. She was angry and terrified; she just didn’t understand why her whole world had dropped out from under her.
She was already prone to outbursts when things got stressful so I had no idea what to expect from her, but I needed her to cooperate with as few outbursts as possible. What could I do? How could I make her understand what was happening to her, to us? How could I make her not be so scared and so angry? When she got very stressed, she would end up having seizures. How could I keep the seizures at a bay when I had no control over what was causing them?
When I felt I had reached the bottom and there was nowhere else to turn, I turned to God and I prayed. I prayed for Him to help her because I knew that there was nothing I could say or do that would make things easier for her. She had to grieve the losses.
My daughter relates to animals much more easily than she does to people. She had a very, very special dog that loved her unconditionally and was there for her whenever she needed her. Every night she cried for her dog Kaysee. Those two had a deeper bond than anyone could ever understand. Every night or anytime Shianne got scared, she cried out for Kaysee. “My Kaysee, I want my Kaysee.” Even to this day when Shianne gets scared or really upset, she will cry for her. My heart just breaks every time I hear her cry for her pup. I know that is a pain that I cannot take away and that tears at my heart.
When you know that the situation you’re in is out of your control, where do you turn, who can you trust? I learned very quickly that I could not trust any person on this earth so I turned to God and trusted Him to take care of us.
Life on the streets is much worse than what they show on television. The only hotels that we could afford were in no way like the Marriot. The windows were broken, the heat barely worked, and the rooms smelled. The blankets didn’t feel clean and the refrigerator hardly worked. We were terrified to go out of our room, but at least for the moment we had a roof over our heads. We knew our time there was short because it was expensive and our funds were very limited. We had no idea what was going to happen next or where we would go. We were both very scared, but we prayed.
Our next journey was even scarier than the first. We had already seen a lot of horrible things while staying in the hotel. We had seen people get beaten. Fires had even been started in the parking lot of the hotel. Men staying at the hotel that we didn’t even know taunted us. Afraid of what might happen to us, we decided that we just couldn’t stay there any longer. That is when we started our journey of staying on couches and in shelters.
It was very hard trying to keep myself and Shianne calm. I didn’t know what was going to happen to us, so how could I explain anything to her? She had already been having seizures more frequently and was crying pretty regularly. She was tired of walking so much, she was not sleeping, and she was hungry. I had weight to lose so feeding me was not my main goal. I needed to make sure my baby ate every day. I learned very quickly that you could eat for two dollars a day if you really tried. We also learned that the food didn’t have to be warm to taste good. Sometimes we were blessed and could afford a can of ravioli; other times it was just some bread or peanut butter sandwiches. And then sometimes it was the soup kitchens. You can never really grasp the reality of a soup kitchen unless you have been in one. You sit with people you don’t know. You talk with these people and hear some of the saddest stories you could ever hear. Then there are times you just sit and watch with a feeling of overwhelming sadness. Most of the time, I would give Shianne whatever she wanted from my plate. I wanted her belly full because I knew that there was the possibility that she wouldn’t eat again for a while.
One of the shelters we stayed in was a very eye-opening experience. It was operated on a “first come, first serve” basis. The building we were in was for women and women with children. I was so surprised by the number of kids that stayed there. They obviously were used to it. Shianne stayed in the bunk with me and didn’t finally fall asleep until around four in the morning. We had to be up and at breakfast by 5:30 a.m. That night she whimpered until she fell asleep. She was terrified. The sounds, the cries, and the footsteps were terrifying for both of us. You could hear fighting outside the window and you could hear police cars everywhere. It was the most terrifying experience of our lives. We got up that morning and moved on to our next stop. It was barely daylight when we got started and we were both exhausted.
By this time, we were on a waiting list for an apartment with the New Albany Housing Authority. We had no clue as to when we would actually get one, but we had to have faith that eventually things were going to turn around. We continued to pray.
Over the months, I had noticed a gradual change in Shianne. She was a child who would do things in her own time. She wouldn’t talk unless she wanted to, she didn’t make eye contact, and she often seemed to be in her own little world. During the time that we were on our journey, we walked a lot. On our walks I tried to keep her mind occupied to keep it off of what was going on around us. We had to keep our faith, we had to keep our focus on the future, and we couldn’t let this break us.
As we walked, I sang. I sang “Jesus Loves Me.” I sang “The ABC Song.” I sang any song that came to mind. I made up songs. I counted our steps and pretended to be in an ocean. I did whatever I could to keep our minds off of the hard situation we were in. Shianne didn’t join in at first. She wanted no part of what I was doing. Then one day, I heard her singing with me, not loudly at first, but she was trying. Then when I was counting, I heard her counting too and then she started saying her ABCs.
The only thing I could do was praise God, because I knew He was helping her. She would still cry for her pup; she would still ask why we were doing this. The only thing I could do was tell her to have faith. In fact, our motto was “With faith you have everything, lose that faith, and you have nothing.” I knew that things would improve. I had my faith in God. He was the only one I could trust. I had learned that on this journey.
That is one of the hardest parts of living on the streets. You can trust no one. People will tell you anything just to get whatever money you have. They will steal from you, and they will even seriously harm you just to get what you have. You can easily get sucked into this life, turn into what they have become. They did what they felt they had to do to survive. I saw people fighting over a spot in the shelter. Worst of all, Shianne had to witness all of this anger too. These people had lost all faith in the good aspects of life. They had lost all hope for the future. They were literally just surviving.
I knew that Shianne and I could easily be sucked into this life. I knew that if we lost hope, we would never make it. Every day I talked to Shianne about how we treat people. Every day I used the horrible things we saw and the horrible things we went through as a teaching tool. I explained how God wanted us to act. I talked of God’s peace. When we saw people fighting, I talked of the anger in their hearts. I talked of how we had to watch our hearts. I explained that no matter what we did in life that we would never harm another living thing. We would never say or do anything that we couldn’t look back on and be proud of.
As we walked, we talked. We had some of our best conversations on our walks and as we would lie awake at night. I saw that Shianne was coming around. She was still very scared, but she was not having as many outbursts. Yet, she still talked to very few other people. She learned a lot of hard lessons out on the streets; she learned the harshness of life that no child should ever experience. She grew up way past her tender age of six years. She never complained to anyone about anything. She never admitted it if she was tired or hungry. She didn’t want to make anyone feel bad because of our tough times.
She would say, “People do what they have to do, Mommy. I never want anyone to feel sad for us because we will be okay. We got faith and hope, Mommy.” I knew then that she had been listening to me. I knew then that we would really be okay.
The call came on March 27, 2008; we had an apartment. I was on Cloud Nine. The only thing I could do was thank God because we were off the streets. I walked into that apartment to accept it and was so happy. It was a two bedroom apartment. Shianne would have her own room and we would be off the streets. God was good.
We moved into this apartment with no furniture. We didn’t have beds, we didn’t have a couch, and we didn’t have any dishes, but that didn’t matter, we had a roof over our heads. I wasn’t worried about not having furniture, I knew that God would provide and provide He did. The very day we moved in, we had furniture, we had dishes, we even had a table. All I could do was thank God.
Some would say, “Well, that is the end of the story; all was good after that.” Not quite. We are very grateful for everything God has given us and for getting us safely through our journey. We still have residual effects from all that we have been through, but we still hold on to our faith each and every day. God has granted us a peace that many still have not grasped. We still didn’t know who to trust on this earth. I saw this day after day especially in Shianne. I had the thought of when we first got the apartment that she needed to be in school. After all that was the right thing to do people were saying. I was being advised to put her in school, then I was advised to keep her out. What do I do? Then I heard God say, she isn’t ready, she needs time. She was still having outbursts at times, any one new approached her she would look down and not speak. She would sink within herself. So, I heeded Gods word and waited, worked with her, prayed for her, and prayed for guidance on how to help my child. All summer we walked, we talked, and we prayed and then it was time for her to enroll in school. We went to registration and I told her this would be her new school. She looked up at me nervous and asked, will I be okay? I said yes honey, you will be okay. We went into the school, we talked with the different people and met a very kind teacher who taught first grade. I never got her name, neither did Shianne but I saw a change immediately in her. She said oh mommy I hope she will be my teacher. I said a quick prayer and said God if it is your will please let her get that teacher. The first day of school came and went and I picked Shianne up from school, and she was so excited. She said mommy, mommy remember that teacher from registration, she is my teacher, she is my teacher. When I get home there is a message from this teacher thanking me for sending Shianne to her. I said to myself, no thank-you for being sent to my daughter. Each day I saw a change in her. She started talking more, she started writing more and she started talking to new people. The prayers that I said for many months got answered. The help for my daughter came in the form of a first grade teacher. Nothing I can ever say or do will ever be enough for this teacher showed my child that there are people who can be trusted. That it is okay to be herself, to be Shianne. She never wanted anyone to hear her voice, see her smile, to see her inner beauty. She was so afraid of everyone and everything. Now she is Shianne. All because of this one person. This amazing teacher changed her life. She is no longer in special education classes and she LOVES school. She is even making friends and that is so nice to see. She really has never had friends before.
This past Christmas He really showed His miraculous ways. I had no clue how I was going to provide gifts for my daughter. I know many, many families face this each and every year, but for me, it was the first Christmas I had ever faced this issue. How could I disappoint her? Over the months I had never complained, never voiced any frustration, and never asked ‘Why me?’, but this time I complained. I voiced my frustration and I voiced how I felt being a failure as a mother. I never asked, “Why me?” I asked, “Why her?” Why did my baby have to go through this? Why was my child going to get let down again? Then the miracle happened.
Gifts started pouring in. People I had never met were giving my child gifts. God had given these people a generous spirit to fill a little girl’s wishes. Shianne got a blankie with her name on it that she just loves. She got a crocheted pony purse. She got more and more gifts that she couldn’t believe. I even got gifts this year, which was totally awesome. But it isn’t about the gifts; it is about people showing they care about other people, compassion for other people. I even made a few friends during this time. That was cool too. I was shown that I can put my trust in people, that not all people are bad, and that there are spirit-filled people in this world. I had lost faith in people, but that faith was renewed. Then, a reminder for me came in a box from a church. It was a simple little ornament for a tree that we didn’t have. It hangs on my wall so I can see it every single day. It is a simple word-- Hope. It is amazing to me how one small word can mean so much. It is such a small word with such a big impact. Every day Shianne and I maintain hope for the future. I have hope for doing well in school; I start college this fall to get my teaching degree. With hope, I know things will be good.
We still have to fight each day to maintain our faith. We see people with very little hope for much each and every day in the community that we live. We still see fighting, we hear harshness, and Shianne still battles her own issues each day. She deals with bullies because she doesn’t have the best clothes and she is on the heavy side, but because she loves school, she does well there. Shianne comes to me and says, “They don’t have hope, Mommy. They don’t live by what we do.” She doesn’t fight back and for that I am proud. She knows that if she harmed them either by word or deed that she couldn’t be proud of herself. No matter what, we know that we have a roof over our head and food to eat so it is better than what we had before.
Shianne is still afraid every night. She sleeps with me as the sounds outside scare her, but I know God will take care of her. God is healing her heart. She is doing so much better otherwise. She hasn’t had a seizure in a year, she makes eye contact, and she talks to other people.
With all that we have been through and with all we have seen, we are still very positive people. When we are out walking to the store or wherever we have to go, we still sing, we pretend we are in the ocean or the jungle, and we talk. When we talk, we solve issues of the day, we discuss what she did that day in school, and we talk about what she is grieving for. We get a lot settled.
I had a gentleman ask me one time how we could always be so happy. Since we were walking in the rain, the cold, the ice and snow, I said why not be happy? Life will never give us more than we and God together can handle. No matter what we are facing, we must have hope and faith for a good outcome. We are alive, we have a home, and we have faith in God and that is a lot more than a lot of other people.
We made the hardest choice by not building a wall up around ourselves when we first started our journey. We could have built that wall and not let ourselves really experience what we had to experience. But no, we kept ourselves open for God’s peace, for God’s will for us. With that, we left ourselves open for God’s gifts also. He is the one who brought us through the darkest time of our lives. He is the one who put people in our lives to walk through this journey with us. He gave us the ability to find people we could trust but also showed us why we needed to put our trust in Him. He is the one who gave us the most precious gift of all—Hope.